You work out of a Hotel?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
