Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
