My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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