I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
