It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
