Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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