If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
