Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i think my tv is drunk
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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