i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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