Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
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