My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
