It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
