I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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