This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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