When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
