Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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