my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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