he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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