I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
