Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i've created a new STD.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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