im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
