they need to just BURY HIM!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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