Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
