Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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