his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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