The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
