and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
