One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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