why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
