Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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