Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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