I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
where are my pants?
in the oven.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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