so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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