Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
