Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
