it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
