First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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