Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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