It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
