Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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