Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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