Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
