Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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