please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
