Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
