i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
