my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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