If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it was like eating out sand paper
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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