Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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