Ambien. No doubt about it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Randomize
