how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Rumble strips road head = magical
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
