Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
