just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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