my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
